On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
