My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
