I am puke
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
