You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
