plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize