He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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