wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
