Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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