Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
