Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize