goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
