Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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