his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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