it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize