one might say we're banned from that church
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
