He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
