Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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