it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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