I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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