So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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