Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
