i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
