I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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