I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
