legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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