can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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