dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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