the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
