I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
