I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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