new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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