I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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