in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
