I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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