i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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