you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
