what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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