I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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