then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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