i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
