Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I want her autograph on my taint
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
