I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
