Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
