I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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