Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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