He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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