Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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