the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
They are going to name an STD after you.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
