seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize