I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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