His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
