chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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