I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
