the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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