my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Quick, to the slutcave!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize