My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
