I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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